Journal Entry #627
December 10thth, 2011
I have had a tragedy happen in my life, My worst fear has come to pass and although I will not be going public with the details it has caused me more pain than I knew existed. I don’t know how others deal with these events in their life’s all I know is how I must and am dealing with it.
I am sharing this for 2 reasons;
1. To help me with the healing process.
2. with hope that it might offer something to others.
As one goes through the 5 stages of grieve; (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance) and back and forth in the order you get to a stage where you realize that no matter how badly you want things to be different, no matter how hard and unfair it is there is not a damn thing you can do about it. Acceptance is the only option and also the hardest thing you can do but once you do this new horizons will open up.
What is beyond my control is beyond my control and as painful as it is you just have to get to this point. I really fucking hate it to no end but that won’t matter as again I have absolutely no control over what has happened.
I did not appeal to god or any other supernatural entity as I realized this was useless and more harm than good. I just worked and am still working my way through it. Each choice we make leads’ to another choice and we often do not see the consequences of the choice we make in the moment. I do try and look beyond the moment in the moment but sadly this is only speculation and one cannot beat themselves up over what has happened in the past.
Now is the time to find something else worth fighting for, to value and to wake up each day to. What that will be for me I don’t know but it will be something.
I only have control over what I do and to be honest what I profess and have written about many times has actually eased the process even though the pain is unbearable at times. There is no point in me whining about what has transpired, no point in wishing it could be different as I did try this along the way as part of the process, I simply have to move on as we all do when a tragedy strikes. Often a tragedy forces you to make changes that really needed to happen but just needed a kick in the ass to get started.
This is not about the details as they will be different for each person this is about finding a way to get through it, wanting to live and to find value in life even when you feel life does not value you.
No one is exempt from personal tragedy. Sometimes we see it coming and other times it just hits us like a ton of bricks but still it comes and has no regard how you will feel about it. Life fucking sucks’ at times but I personally must find the part that does not suck. How I will do this is the journey and the discoveries I must make. I take stock of what I do have and place a new value on this. The rut has been filled and nature has given me personally a giant kick in the balls. So I will absorb the pain and find a way to kick nature back.
I am not writing this not to look for sympathy or to cry poor me as that simply will not help. What I have lost is something I can never get back no matter how much I want it and that is a fact that must be acknowledged or a person will go insane.
I hope that what I have written offers someone somewhere some comfort, some realization and some hope, I hope that my music and words are able to connect with others at some point.
Reality at times truly sucks but it is all we have.
Seek the truth always
Gary David Currie