Journal Entry #658
June 5th, 2012
This is another of those topics that I have been holding back on until the right time and as I woke up this morning it just felt right. For me this is one of humanities biggest problems. It is a result of others running away and not honouring their commitments. Not dealing with things when they become uncomfortable and they always will and valuing others. It can lead to disastrous consequences for all.
Being abandoned is the most devastating emotion we can cause in another human being as we have destroyed their trust and sense of self worth that they placed in us.
As I have said to many; ”There will come a point when something I do or say will offend you, challenge you and force you to step out of your comfort zone and how you handle this will be the measure of who you truly are.”
Now I will relate my story here and while I am not looking for others to feel sorry for me I am sure there will be many that can empathize.
Since I am all about reality and truth there would be no point sugar coating this and there will be those who read this who will see what I say different but this is my view on it.
I like to think of myself as a caring, kind, loving, deeply devoted, loyal, intelligent, passionate human being. I would help anyone I could and not hesitate in acting out of empathy for another human being. I do not trust easily but in stages but once my trust is offered it will be the best trust you can have. I will take a bullet without hesitation for those I love and fight for the rights of others. I will not stand by the sidelines and when I am in I am in for the long run. I will support others and share in their journey. I will value who they are and meet them best I can where they are at. I will not and have never abandoned those I love and anyone I have made a commitment to and yet all but a few have abandoned me.
At times in my life this has been devastating. Even now as I put myself out there with my music, words and art those I love have abandoned me. Not all of course as my children and few others are there for the long run. Most of my family has offered no support in fact they have turned and ran the other way. Almost all my friends well at least I thought they were my friends have cut and run at some point and yet when this was done to them they knew the feeling, how painful it was and still will do it to others.
There is nothing more painful than watching the breakup of a family and the consequences that will follow when people stop trying, when they give up on the commitments and when they run away. The ripple effects of this will last for years to come but most that leave never see this only what they want for the moment. In fact most will not even acknowledge that they have abandoned those they said they loved and the justification they will use afterwards simply boggles my mind. Very few will ever admit they have done anything wrong.
Abandoning your children is the worst thing you can ever do and they will deal with this the rest of their lives so I hope the reason one leaves is worth it. To me it never will be.
The list I have personally is huge and yet I keep trying, keep trusting and offering who I am when I know that most of the time I will be fucked over.
Again I tell this to relate to others not to get sympathy.
My dad left basically never to be seen or heard from again when I was 8 years old.
My mom while trying to do her best as this was a hard time for her left me in an institution for emotionally disturbed children at this time. 3 months of hell and then later shipped to my grandmas for a year of hell. My brother did his best but he was not in the position to take me. Friends, girlfriends and now the most important person in the world to me and this is the short list.
Yet I still put myself out there because what I have learned out of all of this is that it was not me. I was not the problem they were but it took a long time to get there and I am a strong person so imagine those that are not and what they will go through.. Just because many consider me the black sheep and see it as a negative that is their issue not mine..
