Journal Entry #656
June 3rd, 2012
As I write this my eyes are tearing up as sadly my advice will be based on a failed marriage for me. I used to tell my kids that if you wanted advise on anything to make sure that it is from a credible source and this is why I hesitate in writing this or offering my advice. Then I thought as I have put this off for a long time that my advice will still be sound for those that value it and as you read I hope you will see this.
Putting my private life out for all to see is a double edge sword as I am not one to let all see but then again I value the truth and there is no truth like reality. I am still married but after a 6 month separation I will say based on what has transpired that I must move on. Sure I am not happy at the situation as I love my wife, my family and value our relationship but I am not bitter just sad that things have happened the way they have but this is part of life and must be dealt with. I will learn what I can learn and move on.
What I do know is that the process of life will carry on and each of us will recognize this process where we are at. Have no illusion though it will rarely be what you think it will be and be very careful what you wish for as you will probably get it and it will not be what you expected at all. Getting lost in your feelings of the moment can be a very dangerous thing as feelings always change but consequences can be devastating.
Well here we go and you can take it or leave it. Each one of you will see this as you feel it pertains to you but what I hope you can do is look at this from outside your particular experiences and see the value in the ideas.
To me there is nothing more valuable in this life than having a long term relationship, a marriage of 2 people who have committed to each other for life. The rewards if recognized are the greatest one can achieve and the loss if not valued will shape who you are forever. To wake up beside someone knowing that this person would fight for you no matter what is a feeling of safety and comfort like no other. If valued this will carry you through anything that life throws at you and to me is worth fighting for but for many it is not.
The secret to a successful long term marriage;
- There is no secret it is hard work every day and every moment as each moment we make a choice and each choice will determine a path so chose wisely as it only take a moment to cause another pain but a lifetime to heal that pain.
- Here is the big one, it will always take a commitment from both of you to make it work and if one has given up at any point then it will fail. If you at anytime give yourself the option to run or give up then that is exactly what will happen and you will take that option. All you do from that point on will be based on escaping and you will find reasons to leave. This works the opposite as well if you concentrate on fighting for your marriage then all your options will be in that direction. You will always find a solution based on the initial choice you make. If people put the effort in working on their marriage as they do in leaving it then they would probably have a great marriage.
- Do not commit lightly to your relationship. See the long term value and be in it for the long haul as there will be plenty of moments along the way where you feel like giving up. Be in it for the right reasons. Those wedding vows say it all and if you decide to make that vow honour it or do not make it at all.
- All the things you love about someone in the beginning at some point will become the things you hate. Recognize this and work with it;
An example; “He is so smart”…………..later “he thinks he is so smart and always thinks he’s right”.
- When things are rough remember the reasons you married this person in the first place and concentrate on that. Look for the good as it is easy to find fault.
- Do not place friends, your job or career or anything else above the person you are married to. Find the balance. Friends will come and go, jobs will come and go but if you treat the one you said you loved right they will be there forever and isn’t this the reason you got married in the first place? If you didn’t then you should have never got married but if you did honour that commitment and work on it.
-Do not make your spouse your enemy at any time as they are the one who would take a bullet for you so value that.
- if you are going to talk with your friends or other people about problems you are having then make sure you go back and tell your spouse and talk with them about those issues. Keep those lines of communication open at all times.
- You will get what you give so recognize this and give wisely. Now like I said it will always take 2 and the choice to fight for your marriage as the starting point. Of course you cannot control another and should not try. All must be given freely…
- There are many stages in life and you can include each other in all of them. Plan for this and recognize the changes in your life’s and those around you.
- It is easy to find excuses to not make things work but remember it is just as easy to find reasons to make it work. Once you start down each path the result will follow.
- I used to tell my wife that the best thing we can do for our children is to love each other and to value our wedding vows. This will have more impact on them than anything we ever say to them.
- The idea of love and all this encompasses gets lost in so many relationships as people tend to concentrate on their feelings for the moment. Those feelings will change and to learn to recognize this will serve you well.
- You can’t have it all so choose wisely. You can however have a good deal of things and still be happily married. If you have someone who is willing to work with you and enjoy the ride your life together can be awesome but this will be a choice.
- My final thought; All your choices will affect others more than you can imagine. If you have children as a couple and as their parents you have taken on a lifetime responsibility that should not be treated lightly. You will be the main example that they will follow in how they direct their life’s. Remember this and if you have made the choice to abandon it at any point along the way you break your responsibility and commitment of love for them. If the marriage fails they will remember this more than anything and not the good times.
-Above all just love each other…
So many take being married as something they can throw away when it is not working, they give up and while I am not judging others I am offering my thoughts on how important and worthy valuing your marriage is. It will define who you are in life, what you are made off and what you are willing to fight for more than anything else you do if this is what you have chosen so don’t just give up as there are good reasons you decided to get married and be with this person for the rest of your life.
I often get told that my spouse was abusive and I agree you should leave. This is why I said to not get married unless you are ready to commit. Do not take the choice lightly and make sure this is truly what you want. All the signs will be there before hand if you are looking and not blinded by the idea of romantic love.
Hell its hard work but in my opinion worth it more than anything else in life but it will take two to see this.
I hope what I have offered will be a guide in some way to bring you success in your life. If you are one of those that has not succeeded then remember your marriage is never over as you will always be connected to each other especially if you have been together for a long time and all you feel now will change. Let go of your anger and hate if you have it and still see the good in each other even if you are not together as your choices have affected the lives of all those you connect with.
If you still have the opportunity to see beyond your feelings for the moment and can work out your relationship then I suggest you do so. If you have not given it everything in the first place there will come a time you will regret this more than anything as it will affect all you do in your life. I used to tell my wife during those difficult times that if you want to leave do it for the right reasons not your feelings for the moment as they will change.
It is not a battle..
I wish all those who decide to honour their commitments a long and happy life and for those who do not well all we do has a price so make sure you are willing to pay it.
I will close with my wedding vows as when valued they say all that needs to be said and honoured.